Why We Love the Way We Do: Understanding Attachment Styles in Relationships

Written for Through the Woods Psychology by Anvir Dhatt, Counselling Intern

“Why do I do this in relationships?”

Maybe you panic when someone takes longer than usual to text you back. Maybe you need reassurance after an argument while your partner seems to need space. Or perhaps you are great at showing up for the people you love but feel strangely uncomfortable when you are the one who needs support.

Relationships have a way of bringing out parts of us that can be difficult to understand. We might overthink a small change in someone’s tone, pull away when a conversation becomes vulnerable, seek reassurance that everything is okay, or find ourselves repeating the same relationship patterns even when we wish we wouldn’t.

Attachment theory offers one way of making sense of these experiences.

Rather than asking, “What’s wrong with me?” it invites us to consider a different question:

What have I learned to do when connection feels uncertain?

Attachment styles are not diagnoses or fixed personality types. Instead, they can help us understand the ways we tend to navigate closeness, vulnerability, independence, reassurance, and distance, especially when a relationship matters to us.

Where Did Attachment Theory Come From?

Attachment theory began with psychiatrist John Bowlby, who proposed that humans have an attachment system that motivates us to seek closeness to important caregivers when we feel frightened, distressed, or vulnerable. Mary Ainsworth later expanded this work, describing caregivers as a secure base from which children could explore and a safe haven they could return to for reassurance (Bretherton, 1992).

Ainsworth’s observational research also identified different patterns in how children responded to separation from and reunion with caregivers (Fraley, 2019).

Decades later, Hazan and Shaver (1987) asked whether similar processes might also help explain romantic love. Their work helped extend attachment theory into adulthood, suggesting that romantic partners can become people we turn toward for comfort, security, and support.

The Relationship “Map” We Carry With Us

Over time, our experiences in close relationships can contribute to an internal relationship map.

Can I depend on other people?

Am I worthy of being loved and supported?

What happens when I need someone?

Is it safe to let someone get close to me?

Researchers call these expectations internal working models. They include beliefs about whether important people are likely to respond when we need them and how we see ourselves within relationships (Simpson & Rholes, 2017).

These patterns may be easier to notice when things are going well. But they often become especially visible during conflict, uncertainty, stress, or perceived rejection.

That is where the four commonly discussed adult attachment styles can be helpful.

How the Four Attachment Styles Can Show Up

The four-style model considers both how we tend to view ourselves in relationships and what we tend to expect from other people (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991).

Today, researchers also commonly understand adult attachment along two sliding scales: attachment anxiety, or concern about rejection and abandonment, and attachment avoidance, or discomfort with closeness and dependence (Li & Chan, 2012).

So, while four styles are useful for understanding common patterns, real people do not always fit neatly into four separate boxes.

Secure Attachment

People with more secure attachment tendencies are generally comfortable with both closeness and independence. They can turn toward others when they need support while also tolerating time apart. Research describes secure adults as more comfortable with intimacy, relying on others, and allowing others to rely on them (Collins & Feeney, 2000).

Imagine you send your partner an important text and several hours pass without a response.

A more secure reaction might sound like:

“That’s unusual, but they’re probably busy. I’ll check in later.”

This does not mean securely attached people never become worried, jealous, hurt, or angry. Secure attachment is not emotional perfection. It is having enough trust in yourself and the relationship that uncertainty does not automatically signal that the connection is in danger.

Anxious Attachment

Someone with more anxious attachment tendencies may strongly value closeness while also worrying about rejection, abandonment, or whether they are truly valued by their partner.

When connection feels uncertain, they may become especially alert to signs that something has changed. Simpson and Rholes (2017) describe this as a hyperactivating strategy; the attachment system essentially turns the volume up.

The unanswered text might become:

“Why haven’t they responded? Did I do something? Are they upset with me? Are we okay?”

This might lead to reassurance seeking, overthinking conversations, or becoming highly sensitive to changes in a partner’s behaviour.

It can be easy to dismiss this as being “needy” or “too sensitive.” But beneath the behaviour may be a much more vulnerable question:

“Are you still here with me?”

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment tends to involve greater discomfort with emotional dependence, vulnerability, or too much closeness.

When someone with higher attachment avoidance becomes distressed, they may cope by creating distance rather than moving toward another person. Researchers describe these as deactivating strategies, which can include minimizing attachment needs, suppressing difficult emotions, and emphasizing independence or self-reliance (Simpson & Rholes, 2017).

The same unanswered text might lead to:

“Whatever. I don’t need them anyway.”

During conflict, it might look more like:

“I don’t want to talk about this. I need some space.”

Pulling away does not necessarily mean someone does not care. Distance itself may have become a way of managing discomfort or regaining a sense of control.

The underlying question may be:

“What happens to me if I depend on someone?”

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

Fearful-Avoidant attachment combines elements of both attachment anxiety and avoidance.

This can create a difficult push-and-pull: wanting closeness while also feeling afraid of it. Someone may deeply value connection but have difficulty trusting that closeness will be safe or that they will not eventually be rejected (Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991).

The same situation might bring up both:

“I need to know that we’re okay.”

and shortly after:

“Never mind. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

Someone may reach toward their partner when they fear losing connection and then pull away once vulnerability feels too uncomfortable.

The tension underneath can sound something like:

“I want to feel close to you, but I’m not completely sure closeness is safe.”

When Our Attachment Patterns Collide

One thing I find particularly helpful about an attachment lens is that it can shift the focus from “Which one of us is causing the problem?” toward “What is happening between us when we both stop feeling secure?”

Imagine one partner feels distance and responds by moving closer:

“Are we okay? Can we please talk about this?”

Their partner begins feeling overwhelmed and responds:

“I just need some space.”

The first person experiences that space as further evidence that something is wrong, so they seek even more reassurance. The second person feels increasing pressure and withdraws further.

Both people may be trying to feel safer, but they are simply moving in opposite directions.

A meta-analysis of 73 studies involving more than 21,000 people found that both attachment anxiety and avoidance were related to poorer aspects of romantic relationship quality, although in somewhat different ways. Avoidance was more strongly associated with lower satisfaction, connectedness, and support, while anxiety showed a stronger association with relationship conflict (Li & Chan, 2012).

That does not mean certain combinations of attachment styles are doomed. Recognizing the cycle can actually create an opportunity to respond differently.

Instead of hearing:

“You’re too needy,”

or:

“You never care,”

we might begin to hear:

“Come closer so I can feel safe,”

and:

“Give me some space so I can feel safe.”

So…Which Attachment Style Am I?

At this point, you may already be identifying yourself, your partner, and maybe an ex or two.

Recognizing yourself in these descriptions can be useful. Turning them into permanent labels is less helpful.

“I’m anxious, so I’ll always need reassurance.”

“They’re avoidant, so they’ll never open up.”

“I’m Fearful-Avoidant, so relationships will always be difficult for me.”

Attachment research does not support such a fixed view.

Working models can change as we encounter new relationship experiences, and adult attachment orientations are not considered immutable.

Arriaga and colleagues (2018) suggest that greater security can develop through experiences that challenge old expectations. For someone higher in attachment anxiety, this may include strengthening confidence, autonomy, and a sense of personal worth. For someone higher in avoidance, experiences of safe and positive dependence may gradually challenge the belief that relying on another person is risky or unhelpful.

Our early relationships may influence the maps we carry, but they do not have to decide where we go next.

A Few Questions to Ask Yourself

Rather than trying to perfectly identify your “type,” it may be more useful to get curious about what happens when connection feels uncertain:

Do I tend to move closer, pull away, or move between both?

What story do I tell myself when someone I care about needs space?

How comfortable am I asking directly for reassurance or support?

What happens inside me when another person depends on me?

What helps me reconnect after conflict?

Is the way I usually protect myself helping me build the kind of relationship I want today?

Attachment theory is not about blaming ourselves, our partners, or our parents. It gives us a language for understanding patterns that may otherwise feel confusing.

Sometimes, understanding why we love the way we do gives us more choice in how we want to love moving forward.

We’re Here to Help

Understanding your attachment patterns can be a meaningful starting point, but changing long-standing ways of relating can be difficult to do on your own. Therapy can offer a space to explore how you experience closeness, conflict, vulnerability, emotional needs, and boundaries, and to practice new ways of connecting.

At Through the Woods Psychology, I work with individuals and couples navigating relationship concerns and patterns they would like to better understand. My approach is warm, collaborative, and attachment-informed, with the goal of helping you understand yourself with greater curiosity while building healthier and more intentional ways of relating. 

If any of this resonates with you or you would like to learn more, please feel free to book a free initial consultation with me here. 



You can also visit Through the Woods Psychology, email info@throughthewoods.ca, or call (403) 984-7922. 



References

Arriaga, X. B., Kumashiro, M., Simpson, J. A., & Overall, N. C. (2018). Revising working models across time: Relationship situations that enhance attachment security. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 22(1), 71–96.

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226–244.

Bretherton, I. (1992). The origins of attachment theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Developmental Psychology, 28(5), 759–775.

Collins, N. L., & Feeney, B. C. (2000). A safe haven: An attachment theory perspective on support seeking and caregiving in intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(6), 1053–1073.

Fraley, R. C. (2019). Attachment in adulthood: Recent developments, emerging debates, and future directions. Annual Review of Psychology, 70, 401–422.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.

Li, T., & Chan, D. K.-S. (2012). How anxious and avoidant attachment affect romantic relationship quality differently: A meta-analytic review. European Journal of Social Psychology, 42, 406–419.

Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19–24.