People Pleasing

Written for Through the Woods Psychology by Cole Isbister

People pleasing gets talked about a lot, but most people don’t realize when they’re doing it. A lot of the time, it looks like being easy-going, helpful, or the person everyone can rely on. On the outside, it can even get praised. Internally though, it’s often exhausting.

At its core, people pleasing is usually less about kindness and more about fear. Fear of conflict, disappointing others, being disliked, or being seen as “too much.”

A lot of people who struggle with people pleasing may:

-Say yes when they want to say no
-Over-apologize
-Avoid conflict at all costs
-Feel responsible for other people’s emotions
-Prioritize everyone else’s comfort over their own

For many people, people pleasing starts as a coping strategy. Maybe keeping others happy helped things feel calmer, safer, or more predictable growing up. Over time, that pattern can become automatic in relationships, friendships, work, and everyday life.

The problem is that eventually you stop asking yourself:
“What do I need?” and start asking, “What will make everyone else comfortable?” That disconnect catches up.

Research has linked chronic people pleasing with stress, anxiety, burnout, low self-esteem, and difficulty setting boundaries (Vasquez, 2026). It can also create resentment in relationships when someone consistently ignores their own needs to avoid upsetting others.

Kindness is not the same as people-pleasing. Healthy kindness comes from choice. People pleasing usually comes from guilt, fear, or pressure. One of the hardest parts of changing these patterns is learning that boundaries are not rejection. Someone being disappointed with you does not mean you did something wrong.

Sometimes growth looks less like becoming “more confident” and more like pausing before automatically saying yes.

-Let me think about it.
-I can’t this time.
-That doesn’t work for me.

These are small shifts, but important ones. You can still be caring, thoughtful, and supportive without abandoning yourself in the process.

References
Vasquez, E. (2026). The psychology of people pleasing: Why you do it and how to stop. Simply Psychology.