The Relationship Skill No One Ever Taught Us
Written for Through the Woods Psychology by Rebekah Sebbelov
Validation is not about agreeing with your partner. It is about helping them feel understood.
“You’re not listening to me.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Why do we keep having the same argument?”
If you have ever said, heard, or thought one of these things, you are certainly not alone. Many couples do not struggle because they do not love each other. More often, they struggle because one or both people do not feel understood.
Most of us listen with good intentions. We want to explain, reassure, defend ourselves, or solve the problem as quickly as possible. Those responses usually come from a place of caring. The trouble is that they often miss what our partner may need most in that moment.
Before a solution, they may be wondering:
“Do you understand what this has been like for me?”
That quiet question sits underneath many relationship conflicts.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman have spent decades studying couples, and one of their key findings is that healthy relationships are not defined by the absence of conflict. Every couple has misunderstandings. What matters is how partners respond when those moments happen—whether they turn away from each other, turn against each other, or find a way to turn toward each other (Gottman & Gottman, 2015).
Validation is one way we turn toward.
Listening Is Not the Same as Understanding
Most of us were never taught how to validate another person’s emotional experience. Instead, we learned to explain, defend, debate, persuade, or fix.
Imagine your partner says:
“I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, and I don’t think you realize how much I’m carrying.”
Before you even mean to, your own thoughts may begin racing:
“That’s not fair. I do a lot too.”
“I’ve been busy as well.”
“They’re acting like I don’t care.”
These thoughts do not mean you are unloving. They mean you are human.
When we feel criticized or misunderstood, our bodies naturally move into self-protection. We may defend, shut down, become sharp, or try harder to prove our point. Unfortunately, when both people are trying to be understood at the same time, neither person may feel heard.
This is where validation can help.
What Is Validation?
Validation means communicating:
“I can understand why this feels the way it does from your perspective.”
That is very different from saying:
“You are completely right.”
“I am completely wrong.”
“I give up.”
Validation does not require agreement. It does not mean abandoning your own perspective. It simply means you are willing to pause long enough to understand your partner’s emotional experience.
Researchers often describe this as perceived partner responsiveness—the feeling that your partner understands you, cares about your experience, and values what matters to you. This sense of being understood and cared for is linked with greater closeness, trust, intimacy, and relationship satisfaction (Jin et al., 2024; Jolink et al., 2022; Smallen et al., 2022).
Attachment theory helps explain why this matters. Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, describes secure relationships as relationships where partners experience one another as emotionally available, responsive, and engaged (Johnson, 2019).
In everyday language, we might say it this way:
“I need to know that you are with me, even when we do not see this the same way.”
That is the heart of validation.
What Validation Can Sound Like
Validation often begins with curiosity.
Instead of saying:
“That’s not what happened.”
Try:
“Help me understand what that felt like for you.”
Instead of saying:
“You’re overreacting.”
Try:
“I can see this has been weighing on you.”
Instead of saying:
“But I didn’t mean it that way.”
Try:
“I understand why it landed that way for you.”
These responses do not assign blame. They simply communicate:
“I am here, and I am trying to understand.”
Validation does not mean you never get to share your side. It means you are creating the emotional safety that makes it more likely your side can eventually be heard.
Four Words That Can Change a Conversation
One of my favourite communication tools is also one of the simplest.
After your partner has shared something important, reflect back what you heard and ask:
“Is that right?”
Those four words are powerful because they communicate humility.
They say:
“I am not assuming I understand you. I want to make sure I do.”
Sometimes your partner may say, “Exactly.”
Other times they may say, “Not quite…”
Either way, you have opened the door to curiosity instead of defensiveness.
That matters because people are often more willing to hear your perspective after they feel confident that you have heard theirs.
Why This Can Feel So Difficult
I will admit, this is not always easy.
In my own life, when someone I care about is upset with me, my first instinct is often to explain my intentions. After all, I know my own heart. I know I was not trying to hurt them.
But impact and intention are not always the same thing.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is slow down and become curious before we explain. That does not mean our feelings do not matter. It simply means that understanding often needs to come before being understood.
Ironically, when one person takes that first step, it often invites the other person to soften too.
The Gottmans describe the importance of repair, emotional bids, and turning toward one another in ordinary moments (Gottman & Gottman, 2015). Johnson’s work in Emotionally Focused Therapy emphasizes emotional responsiveness as the foundation of secure connection (Johnson, 2019). More recent relationship research uses the phrase perceived partner responsiveness to describe the experience of feeling understood, valued, and cared for by the person we love (Jin et al., 2024; Smallen et al., 2022).
Different language. Same essential truth.
Healthy relationships grow when people feel emotionally safe enough to stay connected, even when things are hard.
A Simple Framework to Try
The next time a difficult conversation begins, try remembering these four steps:
1. Listen
Listen with the goal of understanding, not preparing your defence.
Try to hear what your partner is feeling underneath the words.
2. Validate
Acknowledge what makes sense from their perspective.
You might say:
“I can see why that hurt.”
“That makes sense to me.”
“I understand why this feels important.”
3. Clarify
Reflect back what you heard and ask:
“Is that right?”
This gives your partner a chance to correct or deepen your understanding.
4. Collaborate
Once both people feel heard, then begin problem-solving together.
This is the point where you can ask:
“What do we need from each other now?”
“How can we handle this differently next time?”
“What would help us move forward?”
Validation is not the whole conversation. It is the doorway into a better one.
A Helpful Reminder
If this communication pattern sounds familiar, the short YouTube video “It’s Not About the Nail” (Headley, 2013) is worth watching. It is funny because so many of us recognize ourselves in it. We often rush to fix the problem when the other person is hoping to feel understood first.
Key Takeaways
If you remember nothing else, remember this:
-Listening and understanding are not the same thing.
-Validation does not require agreement.
-Feeling understood creates emotional safety.
-Curiosity often leads to connection.
-Healthy relationships are not conflict-free. They are built through repair, responsiveness, and the willingness to turn toward each other again.
We Are Here to Help
No couple communicates perfectly all the time.
Every relationship has misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and moments of disconnection. What matters most is not avoiding those moments completely, but learning how to reconnect when they happen.
If you and your partner find yourselves having the same conversation over and over again, couples counselling can help you slow things down, understand one another more clearly, and learn practical skills that support connection.
At Through the Woods Psychology, we offer counselling for individuals, couples, and families in Calgary, Alberta, as well as online throughout Alberta.
To learn more about our services or to book a free consultation, please visit:
Website: Therapy in SE Calgary | Through the Woods Psychology
You can also contact us directly:
Phone: (403) 984-7922
Email: info@throughthewoods.ca
Sometimes the greatest gift we can offer the people we love is not the perfect response.
It is our willingness to slow down, become curious, and help them feel genuinely understood.
Because people are often more willing to hear your perspective after they feel confident that you have heard theirs.
References
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). 10 principles for doing effective couples therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
Headley, J. (2013, May 22). It’s not about the nail [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Jin, L., Zhu, T., & Wang, Y. (2024). Relationship power attenuated the effects of gratitude on perceived partner responsiveness and satisfaction in romantic relationships. Scientific Reports, 14, Article 21090. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-024-71994-z
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.
Jolink, T. A., Chang, Y.-P., & Algoe, S. B. (2022). Perceived partner responsiveness forecasts behavioral intimacy as measured by affectionate touch. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 48(2), 203–221. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167221993349
Smallen, D., Eller, J., Rholes, W. S., & Simpson, J. A. (2022). Perceptions of partner responsiveness across the transition to parenthood. Journal of Family Psychology, 36(4), 618–629. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000907