Setting and Keeping Healthy Boundaries 

Many people struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, but everyone can learn this as a skill through practice! 

Unhealthy boundaries can take two different forms: too loose, or too rigid. Boundaries that are too loose often occur when you feel like you can’t say no or are afraid of how others will respond to you if you do. Boundaries that are too rigid may occur as a self-protective behaviour when people feel unreliable or untrustworthy, which can also lead to feelings of loneliness or a lack of support.  

Identifying Unhealthy Boundaries 

Learning to set healthy boundaries is a matter of practice and learning to identify when something has become unhealthy for you. The purpose of having healthy boundaries is to maintain your energy and your relationships with others. When boundaries are crossed it often leads to feelings of exhaustion, and can also lead to feelings of resentment towards others. If you feel resentment towards others, whether at work or in your personal life, it can often indicate that there is a need to set boundaries, or a boundary has been crossed.  

If you are feeling especially drained it may be important to recognize and identify specific areas that you feel are taking too much energy, pushing you beyond a sustainable healthy capacity. Feelings of resentment towards specific people or responsibilities can be key indicators that an area may need a boundary enforced.  

Defining what is important to you can also help you prioritise those areas and discover areas where saying no is healthier than saying yes. Knowing what is most important to you can also help you come up with actionable steps that prioritise those areas through boundaries.  

Healthy Boundaries 

Healthy boundaries may look like: 

• Turning off work email and text notifications from your phone or other personal devices. 

• Identifying when we have the capacity to support others and when we don’t – “I want to be supportive, but I don’t have the capacity to talk right now. Can we talk tomorrow?” 

• Recognise and communicate topics of known disagreement with family or friends and ask to keep conversations away from those topics when together.  

Unhealthy Boundaries 

Unhealthy boundaries may look like: 

• Taking responsibility for other people’s emotions (too loose). 

• Saying yes to tasks, projects, or social invitations when you are exhausted or overworked (too loose). 

• Unwillingness or inability to communicate about your feelings or personal life even with those closest to you (too rigid). 

• Cutting people out at the first sign of a disagreement, rather than talking the issue through (too rigid).  

Creating Healthy Boundaries 

Setting and holding boundaries can activate feelings of guilt or fear. Guilt may stem from a belief that you are being mean, or a bad person/family member/ friend/team member, etc. Acknowledge the feeling of guilt and recognise that you are actually setting healthy terms for this relationship or interaction, rather than being mean.  

Feelings of fear may also arise when you are uncertain about how the other person will respond to you setting a boundary. In these instances it is important to remember that your needs also matter, so if the other person does not respond well to a boundary being set, that gives you information about their ability to hold a healthy relationship and is not an indication that you are a bad person.  

Learning to communicate your boundaries in a healthy way can help you feel more confident that your boundaries are in fact not being “mean” or unreasonable.  

Examples of communicating boundaries in a positive way:  

• Instead of saying, “you demand too much of my time,” you can say something like, “I’m not able to talk right now, but we can talk tomorrow.” 

• Rather than saying, “I don’t have time to be part of that project” you could say “I can help with this project, but in order to do so [this other task] will be delayed. Is there one you would prefer that I prioritize?” 

Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries requires: 

• Recognising where your energy is going and where you feel resentment that too much is being required of you. 

• Defining what areas are important to you, and what areas you are prioritizing out of obligation.  

• Acknowledge feelings of guilt that you are being mean, and remember that you actually care enough to make sure the connection can last long term, rather than build resentment and exhaustion. 

• Recognize any fears you may have about how others will respond to your setting boundaries, and practice communicating them in positive ways. 

• Remember, if someone responds badly to you communicating a boundary in a healthy and positive way, that indicates their ability to maintain a positive and healthy connection and does not determine that you are a bad person.  

We can help you learn to set and identify healthy boundaries and support you on your journey towards mental and emotional wellness! Visit our website to learn more or to book your free consultation today. You can also get in touch by email at info@throughthewoods.ca or call us at (403) 984-7922.