Acceptance Isn’t Giving Up: Learning to Move Forward When You Can’t Change the Past
Written for Through the Woods Psychology by Rebekah Sebbelov
Have you ever replayed a conversation or painful experience so many times that it feels like you are trapped inside it? You know you cannot change what happened. You do not have a time machine. Yet your mind keeps returning to it, wondering what you should have said, what you should have done, or how things could have been different.
This can become a struggle against what already is. When we are caught in that struggle, we are often pulled away from the present moment and from the life that is still available to us now.
You may wonder, “How is that even possible? You don’t understand what happened to me.” That may be true. No one else can fully know your story from the inside. And at the same time, many people who have lived through painful, unfair, and even traumatic experiences have been able to move toward healing, meaning, and a fuller life. Healing does not mean that what happened was okay. It means that the past no longer gets to have the final word.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, often called ACT, teaches that acceptance is not the same as approval, resignation, or pretending something did not hurt. Acceptance means making room for reality as it is, so that we can stop spending all of our energy fighting what cannot be changed and begin choosing what matters now (Hayes et al., 2012).
That can feel frightening. When we begin to face our lives differently, fear may show up. We might wonder, “What does this mean? What am I supposed to do? What will happen if I stop fighting this?” Fear is a very normal emotion when we are considering change. Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is feeling fear and taking the next wise step anyway.
One reason it can be so hard to move forward is that the human brain tends to pay more attention to negative experiences than positive ones. Psychologists sometimes describe this as a negativity bias: difficult, painful, or threatening experiences often have a stronger impact on us than neutral or pleasant ones (Baumeister et al., 2001). In other words, if your mind keeps returning to what hurt, there is nothing “wrong” with you. Your brain is trying to protect you, even if the replay is no longer helping.
Another important thing to know is this: thoughts are not facts.
A thought can feel true without being true. For example, someone might have the thought, “I am too much,” or “No one will ever like me,” or “I should have handled that better.” Those thoughts may feel powerful, especially when they are connected to shame, fear, or old pain. But a thought is still a thought. It is not automatically a fact, a command, or a prophecy.
ACT uses a skill called cognitive defusion, which helps people notice thoughts without becoming completely tangled in them (Hayes et al., 2012; Masuda et al., 2009). One simple way to practice this is to add the phrase:
“I am having the thought that…”
Instead of saying, “I am a failure,” you might say, “I am having the thought that I am a failure.”
Instead of saying, “I will never get past this,” you might say, “I am having the thought that I will never get past this.”
That small shift creates space. It reminds you that you are the person noticing the thought. You are not the thought itself.
It may help to imagine thoughts like birds flying overhead. You cannot control which birds fly through the sky. You cannot stop every thought from appearing in your mind. But you can learn, with practice, not to let every bird build a nest in your hair. Thoughts can come and go. Some are worth listening to. Some are old fear. Some are old shame. Some are simply noise.
When a painful thought shows up, you might try this:
“I am having the thought that…”
“Thoughts are not facts.”
Then imagine placing that thought on a bird and watching it fly away. After that, gently bring yourself back to the present moment. Notice your feet. Notice your breath. Notice the room you are in. Come back to now.
Another helpful practice is a Self-Compassion Break. Self-compassion involves responding to ourselves with kindness, remembering that struggle is part of being human, and noticing our pain without becoming consumed by it (Neff, 2011). Dr. Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break is a brief practice that brings these three elements together (Neff, n.d.).
You might try it this way:
Place both feet on the floor.
Sit in a way that feels steady but not rigid. You can rest your hands in your lap, place one hand on your heart, or place one hand on your heart and one on your stomach. Choose whatever feels comforting or grounding to you.
Take three slow breaths. Breathe in gently through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth, allowing the exhale to be a little longer than the inhale.
Then say to yourself:
“This is a moment of struggle.”
Take another slow breath.
“Struggle is part of life.”
Take another slow breath.
“May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
Take one more slow breath.
This practice does not erase pain. It does not pretend everything is fine. Instead, it helps you meet the moment with steadiness rather than self-criticism. It can be a way of saying, “This hurts, and I can be gentle with myself as I move through it.”
Now we come back to acceptance.
No amount of worrying, replaying, or rethinking can change a past event. Acceptance does not mean forgiveness. Those are different things. Acceptance does not mean saying, “It was okay.” Some things were not okay. Some things were unfair. Some things should not have happened.
Acceptance means acknowledging, “This happened. I cannot go back and change it. And I still have choices about how I live from here.”
That is where power begins to return.
When we are constantly looking in the rear-view mirror, it is difficult to see where we are now. Acceptance helps us turn toward the present. Now is where we can breathe. Now is where we can ask for support. Now is where we can make choices that are more aligned with our values.
Values are the qualities, relationships, and commitments that matter most to us. They are not the same as goals. A goal is something we can complete. A value is a direction we can keep moving toward. For example, a person might value honesty, compassion, courage, family, creativity, learning, spirituality, or emotional health. ACT places strong emphasis on values because they help us choose actions that move us toward the kind of life we want to build (Hayes et al., 2012).
When you know your values, you can begin asking:
“What matters to me now?”
“What kind of person do I want to be in this moment?”
“Does this choice move me toward or away from the life I want?”
Then, when the painful thought returns—as thoughts often do—you can practice again:
“I am having the thought that…”
“Thoughts are not facts.”
“This is a moment of struggle.”
“May I be kind to myself.”
“What matters to me now?”
Healing is not usually one grand moment of letting go. More often, it is a thousand small moments of returning. Returning to the present. Returning to your breath. Returning to your values. Returning to the possibility that your life can still hold meaning, connection, and hope.
Acceptance is not giving up. Acceptance is choosing to stop fighting what cannot be changed so that you can begin caring for what can.
If this feels too difficult to do alone, please know that support is available. At Through the Woods Psychology, we offer counselling for individuals, couples, and families.
You can also contact us directly:
Phone: (403) 984-7922
Email: info@throughthewoods.ca
References
Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Finkenauer, C., & Vohs, K. D. (2001). Bad is stronger than good. Review of General Psychology, 5(4), 323–370. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.5.4.323
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Masuda, A., Hayes, S. C., Twohig, M. P., Drossel, C., Lillis, J., & Washio, Y. (2009). A parametric study of cognitive defusion and the believability and discomfort of negative self-relevant thoughts. Behavior Modification, 33(2), 250–262. https://doi.org/10.1177/0145445508326259
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x
Neff, K. D. (n.d.). Exercise 2: Self-compassion break. Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/exercises/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/